These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You should frame my arrest warrant.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
