A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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