I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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