wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
if only i could text you this smell
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
