shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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