I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
