Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
