i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
