Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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