sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
