You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
