Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
me + whiskey = a bad person
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
