oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
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