on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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