My sheets look like a crime scene.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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