so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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