I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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