so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
