my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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