I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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