every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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