Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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