True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
