Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
