Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
