And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
