i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Randomize
