note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
