I didn't shave. On purpose
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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