Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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