Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Randomize
