Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
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