My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
