You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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