He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
