i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
