Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
