Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
