Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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