Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
