My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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