It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
