Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
