Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
