I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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