I hope mine doesn't look like that
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
