Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
