omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
