All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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