Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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