I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
