After last night, I could never be a politician.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
