So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
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she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
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Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
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