I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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