it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
