Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
