You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize