Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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