hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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