I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
