I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
